Thoughts About Submission

Before I started researching BDSM and talking to more people in the lifestyle, I used to refer to some of my moods as ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’. After the research, I actually amended that. I really tend to be more ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ than ‘dom’ or ‘sub’. I can be dominant or submissive for a period of time, but I’m not either on a permanent basis.

Last night CK and I had a playdate. Any play we’ve done before has been almost impromptu, short, and not extremely intense. This was a full-blown planned and anticipated scene as opposed to the casual nature of our other playtimes. The anticipation, I found, really put me in an interesting frame of mind. It seemed to do the same for him, if I were to judge by the intensity of the scene.

He called me before he came over to talk about dinner plans, and then he says, “I think I’m going to put a gag on you tonight.”. I think I actually paused before answering “Oo-kay.”. The idea seemed kind of out of the blue, and I’ve never worn a gag (or even really thought about it) before. He followed up with, “What do you think about that? Is that all right?”. I replied with, “I’ll try anything once.” and then we talked about other things.

When he came over, we ate dinner and talked, and then playtime started. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned a dozen times before, CK bites. He was in more of a biting mood than usual and he was much more physical about it than usual, grabbing me and restraining me with hands and body while he sank his teeth into my back, my shoulders, and my neck. I was already breathless by the time he moved me where he wanted me. He pulled a bit gag out of his bag and asked me again if I was okay with it. I nodded, but I was oddly hesitant. I really don’t know why I was hesitant about it…it was strange. I agreed to try it, though. He turned me around and fitted the gag in my mouth, buckling it under my hair. While I was facing away from him, he ran a hand over my back and then bit me again, hard. I could still make as much noise as I wanted, but couldn’t articulate.

CK stripped me down to my underwear, had me lean against the counter, and raked his nails over my back several times (that always makes me shiver). He then turned me around and asked if I was still okay. I nodded slowly. At this point he just stared at me for a moment, stroking my hair, and I stared back. I was almost trembling, and we hadn’t even really started yet. He jokingly bemoaned the fact that his camera batteries were dead, because (and I quote) “You look really hot in that.”. He turned me back around and started grabbing floggers out of my bag.

Right then, I really felt more vulnerable than I have in a long time. My hands and feet were free, I wasn’t restrained in any way other than by CK telling me where to put my feet and hands. Standing there nearly naked, gagged, skin already tingling from the marks of nails and teeth, I felt exposed, vulnerable, and I enjoyed every second of it.

The flogging itself I won’t go into a play-by-play on for the simple reason that it would get dull fast. I will say that the rope flogger I made with the three knots on each strand? When used with force, it leaves a gathering of welts that turns into a gathering of tiny bruises. It’s harsh. That one, the bootlace flogger, and the large red and black ones are the ones that made me squeal and writhe the most. CK likes the heaviness of the red and black one, while I like the sharp sting of the bootlace. After a while, he removed the gag; he didn’t want it to get too uncomfortable my first time wearing it.

Finally he stopped a little abruptly, changed the tone of the music (he’d set up a soundtrack; heavier music for the scene itself and quieter music for cooling down), and lightly started stroking my back. When it got through my somewhat fuddled mind that we were done, I protested lightly “We’re done? Aw…” and “I could go longer…”, but didn’t push it when he drew me over to the couch to sit.

See, a while back, I told CK I wanted to take baby steps, and asked him to keep an eye on me to make sure I didn’t go too far too fast and do anything stupid. I apparently jumped in a way that made him really look closely at me, and he decided I’d had enough. He was right, I’m sure, but at that moment he could have suggested damn near anything and I would have agreed. “Wanna try flesh hook suspension with dinner forks?” “Oh sure! sounds like fun!!”. *snicker* So yeah, it’s good to have someone that’s actually keeping a watch. I’d lost track of time, it seems. I thought it had been maybe fifteen minutes, and it had been nearly an hour.

Now, coming back to the title of the post. When CK has topped me in the past (either the two mini-scenes or the many times we’d just played around with teeth and nails and flesh), I never really felt truly submissive. Bottom-y, yes, but not really submissive. If someone bites me on the back of the neck or tugs my hair just right, it puts me in a somewhat submissive mood, but that only goes so far. When he put that bit in my mouth and buckled it tight, it put me straight into a very submissive headspace. Even though my hands were free, I would never have thought about removing it unless I had permission to do so. It was a strange and almost scary feeling, and it took me a while thinking about it afterward to process.

I ultimately concluded that I liked the feeling, that headspace, at least tentatively. ;) It’s something I’m curious about exploring in the future. I’m also wondering if that was a one-time thing or if being gagged like that will always put me into that submissive space.

CK had fun too; he’s normally the one doing the bottoming, and these playtimes give him a chance to let out his top/sadistic side. I think he’s enjoying exploring that side of himself.

In any case…it was amazingly fun, I’m amazingly sore, and I have some amazingly cool bitemarks. If I can get the boy back over before they fade, I’ll try to get some pics. They’re not in spots that I can photograph successfully.

Anybody else have odd triggers like that, or notice a difference between bottom-space and subspace? Am I overthinking things (because I do tend to do that)? Anybody want to massage a sore back and ass? ;)

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Thoughts About Submission”

  1. Nadia Says:

    This was very hot. It’s definitely interesting the line between “bottom” and “submissive.” Personally I love when I get into that submissive headspace where I’ll do pretty much anything. And like you I’m glad I have a partner who won’t push me too far in that state.

  2. PantheraPardus Says:

    I hesitate to say I love it…I tend to be very in control of myself, and it’s actually hard for me to let that control go.

    I liked it. I was nervous, and something in me enjoyed that nervousness. The feeling of turning over even that small amount of control was interesting and pleasant, and has my curiosity piqued. ;)

  3. Rori Says:

    I never really thought of things this way. We are a 24/7 couple (or at least, as much as we can be), but most of the time, I play more of a “bottom” role than a “sub” role, I guess.

    For me, that switch turn is when my Daddy calls me “slut.” In day-to-day life, he calls me baby, occasionally by my name, but not bitch, slut, whore, etc. When he does, I automatically get very submissive, in that headspace you’re talking about.

  4. PantheraPardus Says:

    At the time it was mildly scary; afterward it was psychologically fascinating. I’m curious about what it is about that particular trigger that did it, and if it will happen again.

    For CK, it’s rope. Put some rope (or cuffs and a collar) on him and he becomes docile. It’s interesting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: